This Single Is Ready To Mingle10:30 PM
This single is ready to mingle.That didn't sound fabulous, did it? I felt douchey and juvenile saying that. But before you judge me, know my story:
I have been single for a long time now. It was a choice I deliberately made. I allowed myself to feel ALL the emotions that bitter ending brought.
Grief, disappointment, frustration, pain of betrayal, confusion, unforgiveness, grudge, angst, wrath, denial, depression, and what-have-yous were my constant companions.
You see, I believe that all people were born good. So everyone for me deserves a chance. It's disappointing and frustrating to be yet again proven wrong. What's left to believe in?
I closed my door to everyone who tried to woo me. I thought I would be unfair to them. I wanted to heal myself completely first.
All throughout that roller coaster of emotions, I was battling to forgive. Difficult is an understatement. Imagine feeling vindictive while telling yourself, "I want to forgive. This is not me; angry, bitter, unforgiving. I want to be me again; happy, optimistic, hopeful. So today, I decide to forgive," at the same time?
It got kind of bipolar-ish for a while there. My emotions was the tale of the two wolves for some time. But it was so difficult because as much as I wanted to feed the good wolf, the evil wolf was quicker and stronger. Most of the time, I lost the battle and succumbed to the evil one. I allowed it to consume me.
It was becoming a cycle. But the stubborn kid in me won't allow one heartbreak to destroy my entire life. That was not who I was born to be. I deserve more than that.
It got easier through time. Or maybe I just got stronger. Either way, I learned to love myself in the truest sense.
I allowed myself to be happy again. I helped myself. Because let's face it. No matter how many books you read, no matter how wise the advice you receive from people, if you won't help yourself, no one else would.
So I smartened up. I shifted the energy and attention I spent unleashing anger into fulfilling activities. I tried new things that I never thought I would dare do.
I spent more time with the people who value and appreciate me, drinking up all the love they offer to fill up my emptying love tank.
I allowed myself to be angry with God because I felt He did not protect me enough. Then again, it was not His decision in the first place. It was my recklessness which I so shamelessly blame on Him.I came to my senses and made my peace with Him. After all the blaming, the questioning and the hating, guess what He did? He didn't even make me take all the steps towards Him. He ran towards me when He saw me approaching. He embraced me. No questions, no reprimanding, no "I told you so". He accepted me back and loved me as if I have never sinned. He is a prodigal Father.
I got so busy being happy again. I got preoccupied thinking, planning and acting to show my love to myself. I am terribly at peace with myself and with everything that's happening around me
I forgot that I must share this love and this beautiful life with someone.
Sure, there is no need for that if I am already okay with how my life is turning out. But somehow, I feel a nudge, a pull towards this path again. I feel like I have to continue the quest of finding the elusive one---the one.
I think I've given myself more than enough room to breathe, to grow and to bounce back.I think my love tank is full enough that I won't be putting myself and the other person's life in misery by acting like a selfish, hungry, demanding toddler.
I feel like I'm whole enough and ready to share my wholeness with another whole person. Because I believe that
a happy relationship is made of two happy individuals, not by two miserable souls seeking for someone to make them happy.I don't know what surprises this year holds for me. I have plans but I know that God's plans will still prevail. I'm wise enough now to accept it whatever it will be because never had I proven that my plans are better than His.
I'm putting everything on His caring hands as I step out the doors I once closed, single and ready to mingle.
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